I'm Drowning, Not Waving

I spent the weekend standing next to a freeway offramp dressed in ragged, dirty clothes, holding a sign that said "Feelin' Fine." Occasionally I would change this sign to "Don't Need Anything," or "Doing Pretty Good." If someone stopped and offered me change, I would scream gibberish and point at the sign.

I also went up an escalator without holding the handrail. But I held it going back down, because I'm not crazy.

My weekends are not what they used to be since I had kids. Before Zach and Zoey, not a weekend would go by that didn't include booze, drugs, strippers, gambling, two midgets, and a Dixie cup full of KY. Things have changed.

I don't think Becky likes me anymore.

Probably because I'm a habitual workaholic who is so centered on his career and does nothing else but bring in income.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

No, Becky loves me too much for her own good, even with my considerable emotional problems. And the kids need someone else to puke on once in awhile or it just becomes boring for them, right? There's nothing like being up at 3AM with a screaming child launching a warm vomit with the consistency of pulverized tofu down the entire right side of your body, all the while depositing a load of steamy mud into the diaper you just changed five minutes ago....

And then 16 years from now we can have this conversation:

"Hey, pop, can I borrow the car?"
"Well, son, I don't think so."
"I WISH YOU WERE DEAD, YOU OLD PIECE OF CRAP!"

Some good names for your future children:

Male
1. Osama
2. Forklift
3. Timberlake
4. Buttafuoco
5. Porkchop

Female
1. Credenza
2. Mezzanine
3. LaToya
4. Marge Rita
5. Bungee

End Transmission.