California is a Persistent Vegetative State

Here ye, here ye:
What is written forthwith is, on this day of March 23rd, 2005, the first and last living will of Grant M. Tanaka. To all who read this, my word is law and must be abided by when my descent into an extreme vegetative state inevitably occurs, the onset of which will no doubt be as a result of:
A: The end of the Simpson's series on Fox
B: Another inbred Bush troglodyte in the White House
C: Toxins found in Cheetos
D: The cost of college for my offspring in 2023

Please let it be known that all decisions regarding my wellbeing during this time shall be made solely by my wife, Rebecca, unless she finally tires of my "coolly irreverent cynicism" and divorces my sorry ass. Upon this occurence, decision-making abilities will be passed on to the nearest individual who speaks Swahili and has webbed feet.

The following rules apply during my time in such vegetative state:

1: No one shall refer to me as "Veggie Miller."
2: No one shall deliver a kick to my groin to illustrate my condition.
3: My children and their friends are allowed to poke me with long sticks for educative purposes.
4: I give full consent for my wife to continue to have conjugal relations with my body.
5: All medical diagnoses must be performed by a licensed podiatrist.
6: The videotapes of myself and Michael Jackson together on a beach in Aruba must be released to the press.
8: My body must be made freely available as a prop to any "CSI" show.
9: Angelina Jolie must be used as a last-ditch attempt to cure me.
10: After two weeks of being in said vegetative state, my wife is empowered to send me to the fiery depths of Hell where my heathen ass belongs.

This document is binding to all who read it.