Dammit, Jim

Just one of those days when everything is getting to me. Just one of those days I feel nothing but fucking ANGRY and UPSET.

I'm getting sick. And on top of that, I think I have pinkeye. Noticed it this morning when I woke up and couldn't open my right eye due to what felt like crusty snot covering it. Not real pleasant to start your day thinking that your fucking right eye has gonorrhea.

Poor. Poor, poor, poor. In the words of Sinbad, sometimes you get so poor that you can't even afford the "o" and the "r" anymore, and you just become "po." That's us. We be po'.

At work, I'm being forced to fill out a craptacular questionnaire about what I feel I have done to help the company. It's part of a review process that usually results in something laughably referred to as "a raise." The fact that I haven't recently jumped up on my bosses desk, pulled out my pockets and wang and performed the elephant dance should be reason enough to give me a goddamn raise, I figure. The fact that I have not gone stone cold loco from the drudgery of my duties should be commended as well.

"Self Assessment:
In the space provided below, briefly assess your strengths and accomplishments within your position and within --. You may list your accomplishments or write a brief synopsis of your development since your last review or since hire date, whichever is most recent. This will allow us to understand exactly what you feel you have learned or the areas you feel you need development in. Feel free to take as much space as necessary."

1. I always pee sitting down. Always.
2. I always clock out before my daily 15 minute, "wasting my life" sobbing fit.
3. I added a fourth wall and low ceiling to my cubicle to fully realize the concept of "No View + Claustrophobic Space = Productive Employee."
4. I no longer refer to the boss as "El Diablo Comandante."
5. I have accepted the fact that I could be easily replaced with a non-union Mexican equivalent, or, failing that, a trained monkey.
6. I have learned to operate a forklift. Even though it was totally unnecessary.
7. I no longer take time off for Passover.
8. If I bring the adobo to work, I eat it outside.
9. I no longer keep the bong on my desk.
10. I have ceased from calling our clients "filthy whores."

Gimme my raise.