50 Cent Took Me To The Candy Shop

Contrary to popular belief, the French translation of 'motherf**ker' is not Nique Ta Mere. So that bus full of French tourists you're drunkenly flipping off will only stare and wonder why you are screaming "Sex with mother! Sex with mother!" over and over again.

This blog will soon become a rant about the many problems surrounding low-budget film production. As I mentioned earlier, PBS decided that I was worthy of financing for a short project set in my home town of Mililani, HI. I don't know why the hell they picked me out of the other 200 or so proposals, but I'm drawing up a plan to embezzle the money ASAP. So please tell Don Domenico that Fat Tony will soon be able to collect on those debts I owe. No need to send out Morbidly Obese Tony.

I am, however, a little apprehensive that the "culturally significant to Hawaii" portion of my film may be a problem for me. Are they expecting my main actress to dress in a hula skirt and wear coconut shells over her titties? Do I have to incorporate poi into every meal? Will someone have to discuss how "Aloha" means both goodbye and hello?

The story is about a bunch of friends who reunite for the funeral of one of their group after he is killed in Iraq.

"Too bad about Mike."
"Yeah, too bad."
"Maybe we should have a luau."

or

"Jeez, haole's suck."
"Yeah, they really do."
"Maybe we should have a luau."

I just don't know.

What I do know is that I have to pay an ungodly amount of money to hire a production accountant, because goddamn PBS can't just trust that I won't run away with the money to pay debts to overweight Mafia associates living in Santa Clarita.

But no matter what, this movie WILL GET MADE! This I swear. If I have to sell my ass on Santa Monica Blvd, it will get made. Oh yes.

So saddle up, buckaroos. It's time to get my CalArts diploma out from under the one short leg on the dining table.

Hey, did you realize that 'Kaballah' backwards is 'Hallabak?'

Feel the love.