Dung is Brown and Sounds Like a Bell

Elementary School:

I once punched a kid in the hallway for no reason while waiting outside the principal's office. I was sent there because I had gotten into a fight earlier that day.

Mom used to make me wear Tuffskins from Sears. After a nuclear holocaust, only two things will remain on earth: Roaches and pairs of burnt Tuffskins.

I sat on a kitten and accidentally killed it. My mother has always stressed the word "accidentally."

I sewed my finger to my sister's Barbie sewing machine. I then ran around screaming and flinging blood everywhere with the machine still attached to my finger.

I once screamed so loud in my sister's ear that it rang for a week straight. After her hearing returned to normal, she delivered a crushing kick straight to my nuts while I was playing with my Transformers. I dropped Optimus Prime and fell to the floor clenching my injured sack for the remainder of the day. Even as an adult, the sight of any transforming toy makes my balls ache.

I once got a GI Joe stuck up my ass while taking a bath.

I cried for an hour straight with ice cream running down my arm while watching "101 Dalmations" at a drive-in with my pop. Every once in awhile he'd turn to look at me in disgust and say "Just EAT the damn thing!"

My first kiss was from a boy in my class who pinned me down one day during recess and planted one on my lips. Of course, according to what I told my friends, my first kiss was from the girl who used to babysit me and went on to have an illustrious career as a pornstar named "Kascha."

I once got into a fight with the only black kid in school, when, upon hearing me sing the theme to "Scooby Doo," thought mistakenly that I had just called him a "scoop of doo-doo."

Trying to impress a teacher, I told her that I had actually read the novel "Of Mice and Men," and proceeded to make up a dazzling lie about the wondrous adventures of a plucky mouse named Lenny.

I watched "Porky's" and blinked maybe once during the entire movie. It was the first time I felt something strange down below.

My arm went to sleep one day during class after I had been sleeping on it. In a panic at the now-useless limb beside me, I rushed to the nurse's office and told her that it was broken. She kindly humored me, splinted it, and called my mother. My mother, who had been a nurse for over 20 years (4 of them in Vietnam), came to collect me during her lunch break and proceeded to give me a tongue lashing so severe that Jesus Himself decided to go back to sleep because he figured that the Armageddon had begun without Him.