The Stationary Store That Moved

A good way to get rid of a roommate you hate is to one night, stand over him/her completely naked with a huge erection and a hunting knife, all the while fingering the blade, smiling, and whispering "Ooooh man, this is gonna be SWEET!"

I had a roommate from Brazil during my years at CalArts. He had a tendency to mix tequila into his beer and drink quite heavily of the mixture. I got back from class one night and found a massive, chunky puke splashed on the side of my dorm fridge and a little on my shoes as well. I considered this to be somewhat disrespectful.

I knew that our relationship was in jeopardy from the first time we met. I attempted to shake his hand, and he looked at me like I was offering him free Ebola.

I remember standing over him for a little while with a pillow in my hand as he snored, envisioning him as a rebellious free spirit struck down by the oppressive Nurse Ratched, the stitches from his recent lobotomy still gleaming wetly. I was the Chief, ready to set him free and throw a large appliance out the window to make my escape.

I did neither thing, and he eventually moved out without incident.

The Greatest Band in the World right now is an 4-piece instrumental group called Explosions in the Sky. They make music so gorgeous, it makes me want to weep like a little girl. Their brilliance live:
angels-gone.com/explosionsinthesky/video.htm

You know what I hate? When you unconsciously scratch your anus during a deep sleep, and wake up to find poop under your fingernails in the morning.

I wish I had a monkey that I could train to fling feces upon command. He would perch upon my shoulder and let loose a barrage of brown justice at any individual I would point at. I could get him a little suit with a trapdoor in it that read "Mr. Poopflinger" on the front.

He'd be my bestest friend.

And I would teach him by example, of course.

I hope I get a monkey for Father's Day.