I have not updated this in a very long time, for which I apologize. Namely, I apologize to myself and the 2 or 3 other people who occasionally read this thing. For anyone else who claims to give a damn about my big brown log, well, I salute you by blowing a fart in your general direction.

A lot has been going on since my last update. Celebrated the twins' first xmas, took the family to Hawaii, saw some old friends, visited some old hangouts, convinced my mom that the world is shaped like a giant burrito, etc.

The trip went as well as it could go. Plane flight was mildly traumatic for us all, although my plan to keep a loaded diaper at hand in case of a hijacking was, as we later agreed in hindsight, somewhat ridiculous.

However, I did finally realize that the old quote says it perfectly: "You can't go home again." Not sure who said that. Thomas Wolfe? Thomas Mann? The Wolfman? It's always amazing to see what changes while you're gone. Then again, it's even more amazing to see what doesn't change, either.

Back here in Santa Clarita, or the "SCV" as the youngsters are calling it these days, I have come to the conclusion that we were a city designed to be a living study of the effects of rage on the human psyche. How else can you explain the overcrowding, the traffic lights situated every 75 yards apart, and all those bi-atches in their SUV's?

Or maybe I'm the experiment, and everyone else in this valley is the control group.

Yesterday I saw a guy leaving the supermarket on a Segway. Oh Jesus H. Baldheaded Christ, what the fuck is up with that?

You people are insipid and smell of doody. That's all I have to say on that matter.